PICNIC
Written By: Ana Krutchinsky
THE SCENE OPENS TO STELLA SITTING GROGGILY IN ELEVATOR. SHE WAKES UP COMPLETELY CONFUSED AS TO WHERE SHE IS. SUDDENLY THE DOORS OPEN AND SHE IS GREETED BY A BRIGHT LIGHT. IT IS THE DEVIL TAKING A PICTURE OF HER. THE ANGEL TURNS ON A RADIO OR PHONE THAT GIVES OFF THE SOUND OF AN ANGELIC CHOIR.
DEVIL
Goddamnit, you always get it wrong, the choir should start just a second earlier otherwise the flash and choir aren’t in synch.
ANGEL
DON’T YOU DARE USE OUR LORD’S NAME IN VAIN!
DEVIL
(mimics) Don’t you dare use our lord’s name in vain!!!
(Turns toward Stella) Welcome you beautiful soul! Boy, do you put the FUN in FUNeral! (Offers hand to Stella, Stella ignores it)
ANGEL
You are the worst.
DEVIL
That’s what they tell me!
STELLA
(Exits elevator and walks past them while they are bickering) Where am I?
ANGEL
You are in purgatory.
DEVIL
Damn, do ya gotta just lay it on her like that? Allow me, I am the Devil and he (points condescendingly at Angel) is the Angel. The holiest of all Angels. God’s favorite.
ANGEL
We have no favorites in heaven. We aren’t sinners like you and your merry bunch.
DEVIL
(Clutches chest as if in pain) Ow, oh my goodness. That was a good one. “Merry Bunch” I gotta remember that one. Sure struck deep.
STELLA
Oh my god, would you just shut up and tell me what’s going on? What are you talking about? Purgatory? Am I dead? Can you please just tell me the truth?
DEVIL
(Laughs) Not really capable of doing that very well, that’s more his job. (Points at Angel)
ANGEL
(Nods) But first, you should probably take a seat. (They walk into a bare room with a perfect picnic set-up)
STELLA
A picnic? Why?
ANGEL
We did a couple studies with some focus groups and have come to the conclusion
that a picnic is the best way to go about doing…this.
DEVIL
It was either this or a beach! Don’t know how a picnic won over beach.
ANGEL
A picnic is more cost efficient.
DEVIL
I could’ve paid for it!
ANGEL
You’re saying that you, The Devil, would have just given away money?
DEVIL
(Laughs) You’re right. I wouldn’t have given you a dime. Charity is more your thing.
STELLA
Alright, alright (breaking in to get them to stop bantering) what do you mean when you say “the best way to do “this””?
ANGEL
(Gives Stella a look to not push it)
STELLA
(Sighs)
DEVIL
(Looks at Angel) She’s feisty. I think I’ll win.
ANGEL
(Sighs and then slowly says) For the last time, this is not a game. There are no winners or losers.
DEVIL
Yep, just keep telling yourself that! (Plops down to picnic and begins eating chips and a sandwich)
ANGEL
(Sits down across from Devil and stares intently for a moment. Then begins speaking)
You are Stella Jenine Darrow. 18. (Pulls out white, perfectly organized binder and begins flipping through it) You grew up in Blue Hill, Maine. Attended the Bay School. Eventually worked at the local bar, Blue Hill Bar.
DEVIL
Gotta love those creative names, Blue Hill Bar? In Blue Hill, Maine. Who woulda thought?!
STELLA
Why do you have a binder of…(grabs binder out of his hands) Oh my god! This is a binder of me! My entire life! How the hell…
ANGEL
Stella, please listen to me very carefully. You are in purgatory. There is only one to enter Purgatory…(looks at her as if she should already be following along)
STELLA
(Shakes head slowly in confusion)
DEVIL
(explodes) Oh my god! You’re dead!!
ANGEL
(Gaping) Lucifer, that is not how we do things! (Looks at Devil, Devil shrugs back)
STELLA
Yep, that’s enough! Thanks! It was nice meeting you. (Gets up and walks towards door.)
DEVIL
(Runs in front of her and stops her) You can’t leave! Don’t you get it?
STELLA
No! I don’t get “it”! I don’t get anything! Nothing makes sense right now! Last night I was walking across the street right after getting off of my shift at the bar, and then next thing I know, I’m here! With you insane-
DEVIL
Don’t insult us! (Pushes her against wall)
(Silence, Devil and Stella hold tension, Devil then laughs)
DEVIL
Well, they don’t call me the Devil for no reason.
STELLA
(Runs to door and starts screaming) GET ME OUT OF HERE! SOMEBODY HELP! HELP!
ANGEL
(Walks up and touches her shoulder) Stella, listen to me. You need to accept the reality of this all. It’s time for you to move on to the next stage..
STELLA
Am I actually dead?
ANGEL
(Thinks) Well, almost.
STELLA
Almost? So you mean I still have a chance! (Runs back to door)
ANGEL
Stella, no. There is no going back. You’re done. I’m just saying that you need to get through purgatory and then you’ll be ready.
STELLA
Ready? For what?
DEVIL
Just sit down already.
STELLA
(Slowly walks over to picnic and sits.) Just tell me what’s going on.
ANGEL
(picks up binder again) Alright, where were we? Oh yes! Now it’s time for me to list all the good things you’ve ever done.
STELLA
Stop. Tell me what is happening. Where am I?
DEVIL
Purgatory. We’ve said it like a million times.
STELLA
Why am I here?
DEVIL
Because you’re dead.
STELLA
(Pauses) How did I die?
DEVIL
Does it matter?
STELLA
Yes. Yes, absolutely. Oh my god, how can I move on if I don’t know how I died.
ANGEL
Stella, we know you’re confused but knowing how you died makes this whole process a lot harder.
STELLA
Tell me.
ANGEL
We aren’t allowed.
STELLA
What?
DEVIL
It’s not allowed. By law.
STELLA
And you always do what you’re told?
DEVIL
When it comes to the guy upstairs, yeah.
STELLA
Come on! Just tell me! Don’t I deserve to know?!
ANGEL
No. Nobody gets to know how they die.
STELLA
(Laughs) I’m sorry, what? No dead people get to know how they die?
DEVIL
Yo, we really don’t have time for this. Usually its like three seconds of shock, two questions tops and then we list everything they’ve done and then they’re out. So stop. Just let us do our job.
STELLA
But-
DEVIL
Stella, I know you think of yourself as this high and mighty person. I get it, where do you think you got it from? All I’m saying is-
STELLA
Fine.
DEVIL ANGEL
What? What?
STELLA
I want what’s best. So yeah, let’s just get this over with.
ANGEL
She got that cooperation from me (spoken to Devil, Devil rolls eyes.)
DEVIL
Yeah yeah
ANGEL
Alright! Back on course! (Pulls out binder) It says here that you… ooh! Stella! You have been so good!
STELLA
Alright what specifically are you guys about to do?
ANGEL
Evaluate you based on the things you have accomplished in your life.
DEVIL
(Leans in) We will peer into your soul and at the end it’ll all be up to you!
(Stella looks at Devil in a confused way)
ANGEL
Alright! Age 7, you saved a puppy?
STELLA
Yeah. It was about to get hit by a truck and I ran and got it.
ANGEL
Wonderful. Age 12, you donated bone marrow to your older sister.
STELLA
I don’t want to talk about that.
DEVIL
Talk about it!
STELLA
No!
DEVIL
TALK ABOUT IT
STELLA
OKAY, FOR GOD’S SAKE.
(Angel glares)
STELLA
My sister died of leukemia. I did what I could to help her survive. It didn’t work. Obviously.
DEVIL
She chose heaven.
STELLA
She what?
ANGEL
Moving on! Age 17, you saved a woman from getting mugged in back alley behind the bar.
STELLA
Wow, you just have to bring it all up again, don’t you.
DEVIL
Yes?
STELLA
Yeah, well she was screaming and then I started screaming and then the guy got spooked and ran away. It’s not very heroic, I’m just loud.
ANGEL
And yet, you saved her life. She was scheduled to die that day and you saved her!
STELLA
Oh, wow…I…
DEVIL
My turn! (Flips backpack over and crumpled post-its come falling out) On to the bad things! Age 9, you stole 20$ from a girl named Cindy Gallagher.
STELLA
Uh….I mean…I was 9 and –
DEVIL
Don’t need your input, sweetie.
STELLA
Wow, you really are the devil.
DEVIL
(Pause) Moving on! Age 13, you ran away from home and got drunk in the woods. (Looks closer at paper, then looks up at her in confusion)
STELLA
Yeah, I just found out my sister died. So what?
DEVIL
Lastly, age 18, sexual misconduct with a teacher. Shame on you Stella! That’s a sin.
STELLA
Yeah. He was an intern and he was 20 . And I was 18. Whatever. I was stupid, and he was stupider. And it was only like one time.
DEVIL
One time is all it takes!
STELLA
So, is that really all the bad and good things I have ever done?
ANGEL
We like top 3s, it saves time. You get in, you get out, and we do our jobs!
DEVIL
So, Stella, the time has come. Where do you wanna go?
STELLA
Um…
ANGEL
Heaven or hell, it’s your choice.
STELLA
Isn’t that your job, I mean, isn’t that the whole reason you listed my best and worst achievements?
ANGEL
We listed them so you would remember and maybe it’d help you decide.
STELLA
Wait, but I always thought that it was you guys that decided where I go? I mean, isn’t that the whole reason that people dedicate their entire lives to doing the right thing? So that they will end up where they want in the afterlife?
DEVIL
No, people totally misunderstood all that. Yeah no, the decision is yours.
STELLA
How am I supposed to decide? I mean, isn’t hell like, a hellhole?
ANGEL DEVIL
Yes. No!
DEVIL
Here, have a brochure (hands a brochure that is titled : So you’ve died, what’s next? HELL!)
STELLA
(Reads title aloud and starts flipping through pages.) I’m so confused, why is hell such a horrible place, but it seems so great in this brochure?
ANGEL
Hell has gone through some renovations, but that doesn’t mean heaven isn’t awesome.
DEVIL
Ah, heaven is all old money, hell is where the young people are! Indulgence! No obligations! What could be better?
(Buzzer goes off)
ANGEL
That’s it, times up Stella. It’s now or never.
(STELLA IS LEAD BACK TO ELEVATOR)
DEVIL
Press up or down depending on where you wanna go, the choice is yours. (whispers to angel) She’s totally going to go to hell! I win!
ANGEL
Just be quiet.
STELLA
(Turns and looks at them then turns back to elevator, slowly moves hand to press button)
BLACKOUT.
